The sweetest sound…
October 22, 2008
…is the sound of my daughters voice. Her squeals, oohs, ahhs, etc. She’s become my life…this is both good and bad. I remember a specific night that I was overhearing a couple sets of parents sitting around a table and all they were talking about were their infants…I then remember telling a friend of mine that I don’t ever want to be that parent where all I talk about is my child. I’m eating my words almost every second of everyday…also good and bad.
The good: Tessa (pictured at the top of this blog) is probably the most beautiful sight that I have ever laid my eyes on…I have no shame in saying that. She’s beautiful not only because of her smile or dimples…these things make her cute, but I see beauty God has created this complex, ever developing and always learning little girl and I can never begin to understand or fathom how much love He has for her. She is my constant reminder of how great God is. More of the good…to my amazement I am currently getting more done than I did prior to having a child. Crazy huh? With limited time I work faster and am more efficient than I was with all day to do one task. My house still may not be uber clean, however as far as tasks and work go…I’m getting more done and faster. I’m also embracing flexibility…will she wake up or won’t she, do have have 5 minutes or 10 until she is no longer entertained by the sight of her hand…either way if I don’t choose flexibility then insanity will choose me.
The bad: life is hard right now…oh geez…I just typed it and immediately started to delete it because what I am considering to be “hard” is in no way comparable to what is actually difficult in some people’s lives. In comparison it is probably pretty petty, however I can’t seem to remember that as I sit in my house, with my dog, husband, daughter, comfort, food at my fingertips, air conditioning, pool in the backyard and all of the other gifts in my life. I’m struggling. I’m struggling with post-baby-body, I am wondering if I’m doing the best that I can with Tessa (spurred on by the fact that she isn’t rolling over yet), I get mad at myself for putting pressure on Tessa to roll over (I know, dumb 
), I know I’m not being a good wife right now, I yell at my dog who I used to consider my “first born” and completely blameless. I’m struggling to have a conversation that isn’t about Tessa. I’m struggling because family is far away and I constantly feel guilt from keeping our daughter from her grandparents. Friends are moving, working, getting married, having kids which is all normal and good, but difficult on relationships.
The ugly: for right now…most of these things I cannot change. I cannot change (nor would I want to) being a mom and raising a child is a 24/7 job…the best job that I’ve ever had. I cannot change being far from families as we believe God lead us to South Florida. Tessa will roll over, stand up, walk, laugh, cry, sleep…whenever she darn well wants to As for the conversations always about her, I get that this is a season and hopefully someday I will actually have more to talk about again. I can only do the best that I can with the post-baby-body and try not to believe the lies that I tell myself about beauty. As for being a better wife, Russell and I have been through more difficult things…he’s an amazing man who is constantly giving me grace.
This is me right now. Yuck.
This all sounds pretty normal to me, or at least we’re abnormal together. : ) I think it is great that you have this blog. I tried to share some of this sort of thing on our family blog and was told by a couple people that I should re-read and edit my stuff because it didn’t sound very good. Ugh.
I think you are amazing, beautiful, the best mom Tessa could ever have, a wonderful wife and an incredible friend. I love you, friend! And, I miss you. Lots.
love your transparency. we’ve all felt this way (as moms and as women in genral) at one time or another. there is nothing wrong with any of it (even tessa not rolling over), but i love that you’re venting like that. that’s what a blog is for! (fyi: when tessa does start rolling, it’ll actually be kind of annoying because you can’t just put her anywhere and turn your back anymore…try not to wish her little life away because when the first year is over, you’ll be screaming “where did that time go??!!”)
In case you are wondering…as a friend without a child, I love hearing every detail you share about Tessa and you are more than welcome to only talk about her as long as you want!
No one ever tells you or maybe its just something you can’t fully understand until after you have a baby how many different emotions rise up on almost a daily basis and how drastically life changes!! Thanks for sharing, I love reading stuff that I can totally identify with.
I love you Sami!
Mom Allen
Well, looks like i’m the first dude to post on your blog here… haha.
Sami, it is so cool to hear you talk about this stuff. You’ve got an amazing little girl and an amazing open heart. Although I’m not a parent yet, in some respects I understand what you are saying. Being frustrated with myself and the apparent inadequacy or inability to be “what I’m supposed to be.” The most important and often the hardest step to overcoming this is what you have already done: COME TO GRIPS WITH IT! Facing it head on is the only way to do it. Its never easy, and life is always throwing some kind of disappointment our way, right?! But to never fool ourselves into thinking we are all we need is imperative. In the moments of disappointment, pain, selfishness, desire for recognition, AND in the moments of Joy – we must always turn to our Savior who knows how we feel. He cares.
Your blog is awesome. The transparancy is refreshing. Remember to be this transparent with God – we can’t fool Him. He longs for us to give Him our hearts. Psalm 62:8 “Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.”
Keep rockin out real life. You are awesome and I love your family.
-Jamie