2 am…

First of all, thank you to all who commented and encouraged me through my last post of struggles. I respect all of you and am grateful for your relationships at all of their different stages…

I’m going to try to make this a short one…for those of you who know me well…you would already know that while my intentions are good to make it short, more than likely I will fail…

So it’s 2am (which makes me thinking of the Anna Nalik song 2am…love it) and I’m still awake…I just got done going over our budget..again…and normally I would feel bogged down and ashamed at our lack of discipline, however I am currently feeling encouraged. Russell and I have had some conversations and oddly enough this time I feel as though we can actually tackle our goals head-on rather than with our fingers crossed. Some of you know Russell and I have had a difficult year financially, but at the same time I don’t feel as though we can complain because we have still been able to satisfy our needs and wants…God has always provided and I’m thankful for the questionable times…I need to remember those times more often.  We have been and are very blessed.

I don’t exactly know where I’m going with this post other than the fact that it’s now 2:11, I’m fairly delirious, I will be physically regretting this decision to stay up, Russell is sure to get on my case for staying up…I guess I’m a little excited for this new challenge for Russell and I…so I wanted to share it

The sweetest sound…

…is the sound of my daughters voice. Her squeals, oohs, ahhs, etc. She’s become my life…this is both good and bad. I remember a specific night that I was overhearing a couple sets of parents sitting around a table and all they were talking about were their infants…I then remember telling a friend of mine that I don’t ever want to be that parent where all I talk about is my child. I’m eating my words almost every second of everyday…also good and bad.

The good: Tessa (pictured at the top of this blog) is probably the most beautiful sight that I have ever laid my eyes on…I have no shame in saying that. She’s beautiful not only because of her smile or dimples…these things make her cute, but I see beauty God has created this complex, ever developing and always learning little girl and I can never begin to understand or fathom how much love He has for her. She is my constant reminder of how great God is. More of the good…to my amazement I am currently getting more done than I did prior to having a child. Crazy huh? With limited time I work faster and am more efficient than I was with all day to do one task. My house still may not be uber clean, however as far as tasks and work go…I’m getting more done and faster. I’m also embracing flexibility…will she wake up or won’t she, do have have 5 minutes or 10 until she is no longer entertained by the sight of her hand…either way if I don’t choose flexibility then insanity will choose me.

The bad: life is hard right now…oh geez…I just typed it and immediately started to delete it because what I am considering to be “hard” is in no way comparable to what is actually difficult in some people’s lives. In comparison it is probably pretty petty, however I can’t seem to remember that as I sit in my house, with my dog, husband, daughter, comfort, food at my fingertips, air conditioning, pool in the backyard and all of the other gifts in my life. I’m struggling. I’m struggling with post-baby-body, I am wondering if I’m doing the best that I can with Tessa (spurred on by the fact that she isn’t rolling over yet), I get mad at myself for putting pressure on Tessa to roll over (I know, dumb ), I know I’m not being a good wife right now, I yell at my dog who I used to consider my “first born” and completely blameless.  I’m struggling to have a conversation that isn’t about Tessa. I’m struggling because family is far away and I constantly feel guilt from keeping our daughter from her grandparents. Friends are moving, working, getting married, having kids which is all normal and good, but difficult on relationships.

The ugly: for right now…most of these things I cannot change. I cannot change (nor would I want to) being a mom and raising a child is a 24/7 job…the best job that I’ve ever had. I cannot change being far from families as we believe God lead us to South Florida. Tessa will roll over, stand up, walk, laugh, cry, sleep…whenever she darn well wants to As for the conversations always about her, I get that this is a season and hopefully someday I will actually have more to talk about again. I can only do the best that I can with the post-baby-body and try not to believe the lies that I tell myself about beauty. As for being a better wife, Russell and I have been through more difficult things…he’s an amazing man who is constantly giving me grace.

This is me right now. Yuck.

About me…

This is a question that is asked often and I never really know how to answer. Probably because it has been a constant question that I have been striving to answer for myself for at least the last 8 years. Now, to clarify, I haven’t been on this unending quest for the answer or perfect paragraph that I could copy and paste, it’s been an on again/off again question in my life.  I have no problem sharing opinions, stories, or just chatting your ear off…however I seem to be at a loss in how to describe myself. Don’t get me wrong…there are the basics that I have included in the “about me” portion of this blog and those are very important to who I am, but I believe there is more to me than the basics…make sense? So instead I sit here and shame myself for my lack of eloquence or creativity in comparison to so many other wonderful people who’s blogs I read daily. This shaming I’m doing…I hate that…there’s something about me

My first blog, while I came into this not knowing what I would ever write about, I guess is about my unending quest of trying to figure out how to fill out the dreaded “about me”…