8 things…

So I’ve had fun reading everyone else’s 8 things and thought I would get away without being tagged! However…thanks D and B Also, I’m sorry to AP who I’m sure tagged me a while back for something and I never did it…consider this a new leaf…….turn.

8 things I’m looking forward to…

1. My friend Amy DH (and her hubby and little girl) coming to visit at the end of May! Less than a month away Amy!

2. My brother’s wedding in June.

3. The possibility of seeing the band guys and all their families in July.

4. Sleeping.

5. Going on a real vacation…for FUN!

6. Watching Tessa grow.

7. Being out of debt.

8. Becoming an NVP with Arbonne International

 

8 things I did yesterday…

1. Fed Tessa…multiple times throughout the day.

2. Talked to my moms (Biological and In-Law)

3. Played with Tessa and her blocks.

4. Played with Tessa in the pool.

5. Rocked Tessa to sleep (for nap and again at bedtime)

6. Placed many orders with Arbonne.

7. Listened to Russell practice for Worship Night.

8. Was promoted to District Manager! YAY!

 

8 things I wish I could do…

1. Be completely out of debt.

2. Stop Tessa’s teeth from hurting when they are coming in.

3. Add a few hours to the day.

4. Feel fully rested after 20 minutes of sleep.

5. See our families whenever we wanted.

6. Be able to blink and have all the laundry cleaned, folded, and put away.

7. Be able to blink and have all the cleaning done in my house.

8. Get Russell to put the dishes in the dishwasher rather than leaving them in the sink.

 

8 shows I love…

1. Grey’s Anatomy

2. Private Practice

3. 24

4. Brothers & Sisters

5. The Hills

6. Biggest Loser

7. Oprah – Depending on the topic

8. Ellen

 

5 people I am tagging…

1. Amy DH

2. Holly

3. Abby

4. Valerie

5. Russell

Pre-Birthday Present…

Starting my resolutions early: I’m thankful because I just went to go get the mail…there were NO BILLS! No one asking us for money, no new medical bill from months ago, no random invoice…nothing, but a single piece of junk mail which I could put directly in the trash. OH, but the wonderful UPS man did drop off a package from my parents! Oh happy day! Happy Pre-Birthday to me

Twenty-Seven…

First of all, I’m glad to be turning 27 because for about the past 2 months I sincerely thought I was turning 28. Ugh.

Hmmmm…birthdays…I can remember most all of my birthdays and the ones that I don’t really remember my mom was wonderful enough to take pictures of All I’ve wanted for my birthdays (especially since I left for college) was for my family (parents, brothers, neighbors, aunts, cousins, grandparents, and/or anyone else who wanted to come over for cake and ice cream) to get together at my parent’s house and hang out…this one is different…this year I have a daughter. I’ve had my own family with Russell for 4 1/2 years now, but now WE have added to our family…it’s just different now…I’m excited.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions…I don’t really think of my year as Jan 1 to Jan 1, but rather Dec 30 to Dec 30 (good thing my birthday is only a couple days from New Years). When I look back at being 27 I want to be able to say two things: 1) I am going back to my previous post on being grateful…I want to be able to say that I don’t remember a time during the year where I wasn’t being grateful for the unending gifts God has blessed me with. 2) This year I am going to strive even harder to choose love…love people, love myself, LOVE GOD because LOVE WINS…always. These are my resolutions for 27.

Thankful…

So…lately I’ve been doing a really good job of being down, being hard to live with (sorry Russell), and just plain ungrateful. I’m over it, this isn’t me and I feel like for the past year that part of me…the positive, optimistic, glass half full girl…has been suffocated. UGH! Tonight I started choosing out of my pity and I was telling Tessa about all the things I’m so thankful for…then I started tearing up and crying which she was confused by Anyway, a FEW things I’m thankful for…

A home: I could easily point out different reasons why this house was maybe a premature purchase for us, however we’ve made the decisions and have now been living in it for over a year. I love this house…it’s home, we’ve started a family here, I’m so grateful that we have a safe place to live and always come back to.

Our Job: ok, so this is mostly Russell’s job, but our business. I watched the news tonight about people being laid off from Chrysler for a month…they still have bills and food needed for their families…such instability. There is financial instability with our job…but we still have it. I feel job security right now…I’m so grateful for income, even when it’s not much.

Our friends: I am blessed to have people who know me and love me still I am so greatful for those people and the new people who are asking me to be included in their lives.

My husband: words don’t even begin to explain how grateful I am for him…cliche I know, but so true…

Tessa: I find myself loving motherhood more and more each day because of this girl…I pray that never changes.

God: He tells me to not worry about this life…let Him take care of it…I am so grateful for that freedom He gives…

Trust…

So, I woke up this morning around 4am. I heard Tessa over the monitor making her little sleeping noises and then they stopped….I laid there for a bit and became a little panicked that something may be wrong. This happens a lot…dreams, anxiety, difficulty sleeping. I know I’ve heard many mothers (especially first-timers) talk about their worries and concerns, so I know I’m not the only one…anyway, I went into her room and thought that I saw her laying face-down in her crib so I grabbed her and realized she was laying there, face-up, quietly sleeping. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest….I just laid on her floor and started praying. I prayed for the craziness going on in my head, I asked God if I would forever be like this…constantly “awake” while I’m asleep. I kept praying and then the word “trust” kept coming into my mind. I’ve known this in the back of my mind for so long, but now…now it’s time to do something with it….I don’t trust God. I keep saying that I trust He will take care of us, I trust in His leadership in our lives…am I really trusting if I still keep one fist clenched onto it? Where am I going with this…I have three things that I keep one fist clenched onto: Russell, Tessa, and finances.

Finances: A couple weeks ago I was regularly hearing or seeing different things that would remind me that we had gotten out of practice in the past few months with our tithing. So the next time I sat down to do bills and I wrote a check for our tithe and saw that it would wipe out our account and I was uneasy with this because we are paid commission so we do not know what the amount of our next check will be. We can always “make things work”, but I really felt like I needed to trust God would provide. I checked my heart to see if I was “trusting” or if I was “testing”…I do believe I was/am trusting, but it made me realize how slippery of a slope I was on between the two.

Russell: My husband is always on the road, it’s his job…to be driving and going somewhere. At times I have this overwhelming fear of something happening to him…some accident. I’ve had this fear growing up also…with my parents. I remember one night specifically when I was young that I practically begged them not to leave because I just had this fear that something would happen. While I was younger then and wasn’t able to hold in my fear, there are days now that I want to grab Russell before he heads out the door and give in to this fear. Russell is my home. We’ve moved around, we’ve moved away from family, we have had a crazy 8 years together…Russell is my constant, he is my home…where he is, is where I am happiest. I can’t picture giving God full control over my relationship with my husband. God’s Will for our relationship will win, I know this…and not to sound all doom and gloom…God has richly blessed us with each other. Our relationship isn’t mine to clench onto, but I don’t trust God enough to hand it over to Him.

Tessa: It’s hard to be in charge of someone’s physical and emotional well being, especially when there are SO MANY outside sources telling you what’s best. Ultimately I believe God to be in control so it’s dumb of me to believe anything I do can change that. He gave us Tessa and it is my job to do the absolute best with what I’ve been given, HOWEVER she is not mine. I try to close my eyes and picture giving her to Him…trusting He knows what is best for her and us…I can’t do it.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense…I re-read it and am not sure that I understand it, but for now this is where I am. I’m patiently waiting for clarity…I have trust issues with God and He’s never given me any reason to not trust Him. Proverbs 3:5-6, …I know the words, I can chant them all day long…I want to feel them.

Moms…

So, I am a new mom of 3 1/2 months (LOVING IT!) and I am so lucky to have God continuing to surround me with other moms…some who have a couple kids, some that are just finding out they are going to be moms, and everywhere inbetween. I was lucky enough to have people to turn to and ask questions about what to get and what would be useful…so I’m just putting a list out there. A list with some useful info that was passed to me and then also things that I find myself unable to live without with Tessa. I’m also requesting that you moms who read this leave comments with your suggestions, tricks, or the things that have been especially helpful with your kid(s)!

- JOGGING/WALKING STROLLER: Bob Revolution – it’s not cheap by any means, however I LOVE IT! It’s light and roomy for Tessa. There is an infant car seat adapter for it, but it was also easy for Tessa to lay down on the seat part as long as I wasn’t jogging with the stroller. My friend Sara got this stroller 3 years ago now with her little one and still uses it and loves it! This is my number one favorite thing…

- SLEEPER: Ok, so the stroller is my favorite daytime thing, but I can’t enjoy the day if I don’t get sleep and I swear this swaddle sleeper is why I get sleep…the KIDDOPOTTOMUS SNUGGLER. I’m not for certain on the name, however it is by KIDDOPOTTOMUS. Tessa has slept from day one in this thing. I recognize my child is RARE with her sleeping habits, however she can’t startle herself and stays warm in this thing. I love it.

- HEALTH KIT: Summer Infant Kit (12.99) – I love the clippers and nose sucker  

- JUMPER: Baby Einstein – I got this one for two reasons: #1 it grows with Tessa…adjustable height. #2 it will fold down flat once we are done with it for a while…we don’t have a ton of space so this is important.

- BOUNCY SEAT: we are fortunate enough to be able to borrow ours, but Tessa takes her afternoon naps in it…with the vibrating on.

- MOM BOOKS: Happiest Baby on the Block- there is a DVD (20 min or so) that was helpful for Russell to be able to watch. This book was given to me (THANKS KATIE) and while I read the beginning and skimmed most of the rest…there is a glossary that is super helpful. ALSO, the “What to Expect” books have great glossaries…I didn’t read much, but I use the glossaries in everything  

- MYLICON and/or GRIPE WATER: for gas, upset tummies, hiccups…these have been suggested to me and really work. Studies have said that Mylicon doesn’t do anything, but I don’t care what the studies say when my daughter calms down well enough to fall asleep and get good sleep. I did find that after a while with one, we would need to switch to the other for a bit and then go back to the first.

- SONY MONITOR: I know there are SO many out there, but we got the Sony lights and sounds monitor and it works great!

- SLING: Loveyduds.com – found this website from Etsy.com (great and fun website). This sling is awesome! Not really useful until the baby can hold their head up, but Tessa seems very comfortable in it. She can face forward or backwards. It’s interesting to put on, but the most comfortable sling I’ve used.

- Clothes sizes: contact me on this one…I have a very detailed email (THANKS AMY DH) that was sent to me about different brands and how their sizes run…

OK, that’s enough for now. I don’t claim to know it all, but I do know that these things have been helpful to me OH…and to a few of you moms with baby still in belly…my (strong) suggestion…get the epidural! You don’t get extra mom points for going natural You’ll be in enough pain for the next couple of weeks after delivery without any pain meds!

2 am…

First of all, thank you to all who commented and encouraged me through my last post of struggles. I respect all of you and am grateful for your relationships at all of their different stages…

I’m going to try to make this a short one…for those of you who know me well…you would already know that while my intentions are good to make it short, more than likely I will fail…

So it’s 2am (which makes me thinking of the Anna Nalik song 2am…love it) and I’m still awake…I just got done going over our budget..again…and normally I would feel bogged down and ashamed at our lack of discipline, however I am currently feeling encouraged. Russell and I have had some conversations and oddly enough this time I feel as though we can actually tackle our goals head-on rather than with our fingers crossed. Some of you know Russell and I have had a difficult year financially, but at the same time I don’t feel as though we can complain because we have still been able to satisfy our needs and wants…God has always provided and I’m thankful for the questionable times…I need to remember those times more often.  We have been and are very blessed.

I don’t exactly know where I’m going with this post other than the fact that it’s now 2:11, I’m fairly delirious, I will be physically regretting this decision to stay up, Russell is sure to get on my case for staying up…I guess I’m a little excited for this new challenge for Russell and I…so I wanted to share it

The sweetest sound…

…is the sound of my daughters voice. Her squeals, oohs, ahhs, etc. She’s become my life…this is both good and bad. I remember a specific night that I was overhearing a couple sets of parents sitting around a table and all they were talking about were their infants…I then remember telling a friend of mine that I don’t ever want to be that parent where all I talk about is my child. I’m eating my words almost every second of everyday…also good and bad.

The good: Tessa (pictured at the top of this blog) is probably the most beautiful sight that I have ever laid my eyes on…I have no shame in saying that. She’s beautiful not only because of her smile or dimples…these things make her cute, but I see beauty God has created this complex, ever developing and always learning little girl and I can never begin to understand or fathom how much love He has for her. She is my constant reminder of how great God is. More of the good…to my amazement I am currently getting more done than I did prior to having a child. Crazy huh? With limited time I work faster and am more efficient than I was with all day to do one task. My house still may not be uber clean, however as far as tasks and work go…I’m getting more done and faster. I’m also embracing flexibility…will she wake up or won’t she, do have have 5 minutes or 10 until she is no longer entertained by the sight of her hand…either way if I don’t choose flexibility then insanity will choose me.

The bad: life is hard right now…oh geez…I just typed it and immediately started to delete it because what I am considering to be “hard” is in no way comparable to what is actually difficult in some people’s lives. In comparison it is probably pretty petty, however I can’t seem to remember that as I sit in my house, with my dog, husband, daughter, comfort, food at my fingertips, air conditioning, pool in the backyard and all of the other gifts in my life. I’m struggling. I’m struggling with post-baby-body, I am wondering if I’m doing the best that I can with Tessa (spurred on by the fact that she isn’t rolling over yet), I get mad at myself for putting pressure on Tessa to roll over (I know, dumb ), I know I’m not being a good wife right now, I yell at my dog who I used to consider my “first born” and completely blameless.  I’m struggling to have a conversation that isn’t about Tessa. I’m struggling because family is far away and I constantly feel guilt from keeping our daughter from her grandparents. Friends are moving, working, getting married, having kids which is all normal and good, but difficult on relationships.

The ugly: for right now…most of these things I cannot change. I cannot change (nor would I want to) being a mom and raising a child is a 24/7 job…the best job that I’ve ever had. I cannot change being far from families as we believe God lead us to South Florida. Tessa will roll over, stand up, walk, laugh, cry, sleep…whenever she darn well wants to As for the conversations always about her, I get that this is a season and hopefully someday I will actually have more to talk about again. I can only do the best that I can with the post-baby-body and try not to believe the lies that I tell myself about beauty. As for being a better wife, Russell and I have been through more difficult things…he’s an amazing man who is constantly giving me grace.

This is me right now. Yuck.

About me…

This is a question that is asked often and I never really know how to answer. Probably because it has been a constant question that I have been striving to answer for myself for at least the last 8 years. Now, to clarify, I haven’t been on this unending quest for the answer or perfect paragraph that I could copy and paste, it’s been an on again/off again question in my life.  I have no problem sharing opinions, stories, or just chatting your ear off…however I seem to be at a loss in how to describe myself. Don’t get me wrong…there are the basics that I have included in the “about me” portion of this blog and those are very important to who I am, but I believe there is more to me than the basics…make sense? So instead I sit here and shame myself for my lack of eloquence or creativity in comparison to so many other wonderful people who’s blogs I read daily. This shaming I’m doing…I hate that…there’s something about me

My first blog, while I came into this not knowing what I would ever write about, I guess is about my unending quest of trying to figure out how to fill out the dreaded “about me”…